Non-Stop

Matthew and I hit our one moth mark of being married last week! Whoo!! (When did time start going SO FAST?!) Since our wedding a month ago we have not slowed down or had time to stop and even take in the fact that we are MARRIED!!!

The weekend after our wedding we headed back up to Aberdeen with my parents. We had a wedding to go to that Saturday, and we did not want to spend the money for a hotel room or devote our entire weekend to the wedding. We decided to get a cabin at the local campground and we invited my parents to come with us. We were supposed to go camping there this past summer together but with the wedding and us moving we did not get it done. My parents wanted one last fall camping trip, and we didn't mind sharing expenses and not having to spend gas money! It was a mild fall weekend and perfect for camping (minus the wind on Saturday afternoon!) We were in town the next weekend but were busy doing things with friends, etc so even though we were home and in town we didn't slow down! It was nice to spend time with friends that we haven't spent a lot of time with since moving here, and we had a lot of fun watching scary movies and playing rock band! We did sneak in a trip to the apple orchard that weekend but I was pretty bummed that we were too late to get a nice pumpkin to carve. We did pick out two smaller ones that we never made time to carve. Next year we will know to go EARLY!

The next weekend was HALLOWEEN!!! Our FAVORITE!! Matthew took off early that Friday afternoon and we headed to Marshall to spend the weekend with family! We got to enjoy a nice quiet Friday as not everyone was there yet and catch up on live with the fam. On Saturday night we went to a costume/60th birthday party at my aunt and uncle's neighbors. Matthew and I dressed up and John and Lorena Bobbit! It was such a fun and easy costume and people loved it! We had a lot of fun getting dressed up with everyone and dancing the night away with the neighbors and their family and friends!  The weekend did not end on a good note, but I will not get into that today.

This past weekend also a ton of fun! On Friday night we helped out at a Stampede Hockey game in town selling raffle tickets for an ACS fundraiser (American Cancer Society). We got up bright and early on Saturday morning and headed to Minneapolis to see GARTH BROOKS!!! The Garth Brooks concert was a top 5 in my life, and I will write an entire blog about it! We didn't have the best tickets (they were almost about as nosebleed as you can get) But at least we were there!!! It was AMAZING! After the concert we found a bar in the city we were staying at and lucked out with a late happy hour having $2 beers and half price appetizers. It was a great little getaway with people we don't normally spend a lot of time with. Sunday evening when we got back into town we had a couple of hours to rest before going to the KoRn/Slipknot concert that was in town, talk about polar opposites!

This coming weekend we get to help my sister move out of her house into an apartment. Due to events that happened over Halloween she is finally taking some steps in the right direction, starting with moving out! We are so happy for her finally standing up for herself, but I am not excited to help move when it's going to be cold/snowy! But what is family for?!

I had another busy week of subbing last week, and while I do not have any jobs so far this week I have had one job interview and one coming up, so that is good news! I will leave you with some pictures from our past few weekends of fun!

Halloween! John and Lorena Bobbit!

Ladies night out at Wine and Canvas on 10/30/14 with the scout wives/support staff!

Waiting for Garth to start!

Adventures In Subbing

I spent my summer searching for jobs, applying for jobs, going to interviews, and waiting for the phone to ring for that job offer. I applied for some jobs that I was really hopeful about, some jobs I thought would be interesting, some jobs only because I (thought) was qualified, and some jobs as a long shot. I checked my email several times a day waiting for anything positive to come through from jobs I applied for and interviews I went to. My hopes were continuously crushed and my spirits were at an all time low. There were days I would receive multiple rejections letters or emails. There were times that it had been so long since I had applied for a job that when I got that rejection letter I had to look back and see when I even applied for said job. 

I applied for my dream job in June. I heard back about an interview before the closing date and took that as a positive sign. I had an interview about a week later (one that I even went and bought a SUIT) for! I researched the company, prepared questions to ask, and walked into that interview with the highest of hopes. I was asked some tricky questions that took me by surprise but thought I handled myself really well and even threw in some humor when i didn't know what to say, which got the three men interviewing me to laugh and smile. I was told it would be a week or two before a decision was made and I'd hear anything. We had a vacation planned for the middle of July and I was hoping to hear back before we left. I didn't. I got a phone call on our second to last day of vacation and played phone tag all morning until I reached them. It was merely a phone call rejection. I spent the rest of the morning crying about it. Why wouldn't anyone hire me? Was I that terrible of a person? Did I not have "enough" experience? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!? That's when my hope officially started to falter. My self confidence was rock bottom, and I wanted to give up.

I kept trucking along looking for jobs and applying, with much less enthusiasm that before. By August I still had zero luck. At the end of August I decided to apply for a substitute teaching gig with the Sioux Falls School District. I knew I couldn't be rejected for that because I had all of the qualifications, and I know they don't turn anyone away. I was accepted right after labor day and I quit looking for full time jobs. I attended an orientation class just a few weeks before our wedding and had to wait for two weeks for things to come back from the state. I was very hesitant to accept any jobs at first. I was nervous, anxious, busy, and stressed out. 

I accepted my first subbing gig on a Friday (I know). It was an afternoon job at a group home for at risk youth. I was anxious as all get out, even though I knew exactly what I was getting into because I've worked in a group home before. I was worried about nothing. I was there for 3 hours and survived with zero problems. Would I go back there if there was a need? Probably not. It brought back too many memories of working at NBC, and how terrible some of those days where. Would I go back if they requested me? Probably, because that tells me they thought I did okay the first time! (anyone can show a movie and handle a small reading group!) I took that next week off because it was wedding week. I was sick the week after our wedding but that is when I accepted mt second subbing gig. I went to an early childhood classroom for an afternoon. When I went there I had no idea I was going to be the "lunch EA", and was kind of pissed about it. I got to stay past lunch time and do other things, though, which made it okay. I had fun with those little squirts even though I felt like crap! I told them I would definitely come back if there was an opportunity. My next gig was in Garretson as a Special Ed EA. I was there three days and I enjoyed it! I wasn't getting paid nearly enough, but at least I was working and doing something productive with my day. Not to mention I found it to be super easy work. Most people would never go into a classroom like that and I gladly accepted it! There were only two students to work with, both non verbal. From there I was asked to come back for a teacher sub the following week and for PE farther down the road. I also spent two half days in a Sioux Falls elementary school as a Resource Room sub. This was something different because I worked one on one with a variety of kids. The school I was in was a high income school, as well as an immersion center. I enjoyed both of my days there working with so many different students. I got to help them read, do math, count, etc. All Second graders and below. My passion for special ed was confirmed, once again. I would take any type of special ed or different culture/learning environment over regular ed ANY DAY. I don't know many people that think that is "normal", but if it's different, sign me up!

Working a full two weeks in a row made me realize just how much I miss working. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss routine. I miss feeling rewarded at the end of the day. I miss interacting with other adults so much that I nearly forgot how to do so. I miss helping others. I miss having a purpose. I haven't worked this week, or had any offers to work this week, so I have been back at the search and apply game. I had a much needed break from spending my days applying only to be let down in the end and I"m ready to get back up and try again. My self confidence is slowly creeping back to where it needs to be, there are new opportunities out there, and I can imagine Matthew is glad to see me back in the game. I hope, and pray that this go 'round will bring me better luck. If not, at least I still have the subbing to keep me busy and help bring in some cash flow. 

Someday I will write about how subbing is the worst idea for someone with anxiety. I find it to be pretty ironic, and a fun story to tell. 

For now I will leave you with a couple of fitting quotes!

My Perfect (10/4/14)

I am going to give this blogging thing another go at it!

Firs of all, I'M MARRIED!!!! It's hard to believe that my wedding day has come and gone already! At times I felt like it would never get here, and at others I couldn't believe how fast the time was going. We survived the whole engagement/wedding planning process with no casualties! 

My wedding day was perfect. I married the man that stole my heart, that makes me smile, that loves me no matter what, and is my one and only. Word's can't even describe how happy I was that day. I felt like a princess on cloud 9! I have never been called beautiful so many times in my entire life, and I have never felt like everything in my life was so perfect! I am looking forward to getting our wedding photos back and seeing just how handsome Matthew looked, and to see the look on his face when he turned around saw me for the first time. The look on his face told me that he was breathless. If I could re live that day again, I would in a heartbeat. I have that day to look back on anytime I am feeling down about anything. We were surrounded by so many friends and family that love us so much. It's a whole different perspective when you see all of the ones that love you most in one room together at the same time. We truly are blessed! I can't wait to see where this crazy life of being married takes us! We are both ready to jump in feet first! 

                                                 The only first dance picture we have so far! 

We chose "Come to Me" by Goo Goo Dolls for our first dance song. Very original for a first dance song. If you listen to the lyrics to this song it is perfect for us. We didn't want to have a song that is over done so this is what we went with. People probably didn't cry, and were probably confused by why we were singing along and dancing a happy dance, but that is who we are! This is another thing I'm super excited to see in pictures!

                                                         First dance with my dad!!

I will post more pictures when I get them back!

A Day In The Life....

Of my mind.


I am going on my third month of unemployment...and my brain will not stop working. I have applied for numerous jobs and have gotten a few interviews. But in the meantime and all of the in between time, my mind races, and races, and races.


When I get up in the morning I think about how I should have a job to be getting ready for. When I go for my morning run I think about how it's nice to be able to run in the middle of the morning and not early morning. When I get home from my run I think about what I am going to do the rest of the day to occupy my time. When I spend time looking for and applying for jobs I think about how much it sucks. When I am enjoying my afternoons in the sun with a book I think about how blessed I am that to be able to stay home for the time being without being in the poor house. When Matthew gets home from work I think about how lucky I am that he comes home to me everyday.


I stop what I'm doing many times throughout the day to catch my breath and calm my nerves. I am constantly talking to myself. I spend so much time breaking myself down that it takes twice that amount of time to talk myself back up. I have so much internal anxiety that there are times I can't sit still. I get up and pace. I re arrange things, I clean something, I sit outside, I come back in, I sit down, I get up, I finally relax. Repeat. I just spend so much of my time alone anymore that I can't help but think.


What if I never find a job in my field? What if I have to cave and get a crappy job somewhere just for the income? Where would I go? What if I can't find a job with day hours and no weekends? Why won't anyone hire me? What if I have to get a job I completely hate and dread going to everyday? How long before I run out of money? So many "what ifs" that don't even matter! So many "what ifs" that shouldn't even be a question at this point. SO many "shut the hell up Meghan's" that I can't believe I still think these things!


And then I start thinking about our wedding. I start thinking about how it's only a few months away (less than three already...yikes!) and I feel so completely unorganized and overwhelmed. I have so many people telling me so many ideas and opinions that I just want to cancel the whole damn thing and go to Vegas to elope! I know it will all be worth it come October 4, but in the meantime I am struggling. I want it to be MY wedding, MY ideas, ME asking for help, ME making decisions. And by ME I do mean Matthew and I (even though he never has an opinion and suggestion!).


I will probably continue to struggle with everything until I have a job to get up and go to every morning (then there will be different struggles! ha!) So, until then I will continue to wear myself out each and everyday with my mind going 100 mph all day, everyday!

Sioux Falls...

LIFE:


Life is not the same as it was a month ago. Life is completely different. This is my life now.


**We moved to Sioux Falls on April 27th. On April 25th I had my last day of employment at the first job that I fully enjoyed the entire time I was employed. It was the first job that I was sad I had to quit. It was the first time I had been replaced before I even left. On April 26th my very wonderful parents, a couple of my good friends, Matthew, and I, packed up a U-Haul and 3 vehicles with all of our belongings. We spent our last night in Aberdeen sleeping on the floor. We were able to give some goodbye hugs Saturday night, and when we got up Sunday morning we sad our final goodbyes to the apartment I spent nearly 4 years in, and to the town I spent over 6 years in. It was bittersweet.
The drive to Sioux Falls was horrendous, to say the least. The weather was as crappy as it was on the day I moved to Aberdeen. Instead of snow and wind, we had rain and wind. We had car troubles, we had to take a different route to avoid the interstate due to the high winds, we had multiple pit stops. We finally made it and had some rock stars help us unpack our U Haul and vehicles.


**I came into this move without a job. I had been looking for two months and had a couple of interviews but no luck. I knew what I was in for when we moved. No job=no income. Lucky for me I have a generous savings account, received a nice final pay check and return deposit, and know how to be a penny pincher when needed. What I didn't know, was how long it would take me to find a job. I am on week SIX of unemployment. I haven't been unemployed for six weeks in YEARS. YEARS!!! I am not complaining because I know there are so many people that wish they could afford to stay home. I am so so SO grateful for Matthew's promotion that came with a very nice pay raise. I am so thankful for his willingness to pay the rent without my help. I am forever indebted to him. (Can you be indebted to your soon to be husband?!) I have gotten more rejection letters than I have interviews, and while it is discouraging, I just keep praying and telling myself that the right job is out there for me, I just have to find it.


**My first few weeks of unemployment were wonderful. I spent a lot of time unpacking and getting us settled into our new home. It's no easy task, that is for sure. But now that we are (for the most part) settled in the days are starting to get long. I have gotten a routine down so most of my daily "to do lists" are completed by noon...leaving me with the entire afternoon to figure out how to entertain myself. I have been enjoying sitting outside in the sun and reading books, but even that gets boring. Again, I am not complaining, but at the same time, I feel like a waste of society. I am perfectly capable of working and supporting myself, yet here I am. Unemployed for almost 7 weeks.


**I've started going on runs in the mornings. Not only am I completed disgusted with myself and hate myself for not fitting in summer clothes from last year, I miss exercising. I've been enjoying the runs and my time outside doing something besides reading a book. My mind usually races when I am on these runs, but by the time I get home I feel better. There has been more than one occasion when I had a breakdown when I returned home. A good cry never hurts. It's usually the same things that go through my head when I run. Things like: Why won't anyone hire me? Why does Matthew put up with me? How lucky am I to have Matthew? Why is my wedding not planned? What do I give up and get a shitty job just to have an income? Why do I have to suffer from anxiety? Does anybody know how I REALLY feel about this change? I wish people understood. I wish people would stop asking me if I have a job yet. and so on and so forth.


**The first few weeks we were in Sioux Falls my anxiety was almost non existent. Now, it's here ALL the time. I have beaten myself up so bad emotionally that I can't even think of one good thing to say about myself. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. I start thinking about everything under the sun and then next thing I know I'm either angry or in tears. It's hard to control your emotions when you have so much going on. When you spend a majority of your time alone. Being me has not been easy the past three weeks. Being me has been a nightmare.

Moving

I am not one that likes a lot of change. I have a hard time with accepting change, and I struggle adapting to change. Whether it’s a new job, new things going on at my job, a new doctor, a new schedule, and pretty much a “new” or “different” anything.

So, now I have all of this change thrown at me at once. I have to find a new job, give notice at my current job (which I’ve never had to do for a job I actually liked!), find somewhere to live in Sioux Falls, and move. All before May 1^st. HEEELLP!! Oh, and in amongst all of this, plan my wedding. Which will be here before we know it, and even though everyone says everything will “come together”, I don’t believe them. There is still so much I haven’t decided on or even thought of for this wedding that I feel like I have nothing accomplished. Needless to say all of this is causing an extremely overwhelming amount of stress on me. I have applied for four jobs, and had one phone interview which called me back for an in person interview (yay! Cross your fingers!) I have told my boss that I will be moving, but haven’t given an official notice as I do not want to put the cart before the horse. We found a place to live in Sioux Falls but are waiting on a phone call to tell us that they will accept us. Who knew it was so damn hard to rent an apartment these days?! They practically need your first born child.

I knew the day would come that we would be moving. I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not scared. I am simply anxious. I have lived in Aberdeen for over six years already, and when I met Matthew and we started dating one of the first things he told me about his job is that he is in a “mobile” profession, meaning every 3 or so years he is able for promotions; which means moving to a different council. Both of us have been wanting to get out of Aberdeen for about a year now. When his bosses presented him with an opportunity in Sioux Falls last February, we got really excited. Little did we know it would take them on year (to the day!) to officially offer him the position. There was no way I was going to say no, because it was either that or move somewhere farther away. His goal is to get closer to his mom, and by moving to Sioux Falls we are doing just that.

We got about a 10 week “notice” that we will be moving. I am not sure if having this much time is good or bad. It’s been nice because we didn’t have to rush into anything, but at the same time, a whole month has already gone by, leaving us with about 6 weeks. My job requires a 30 day notice, and that time frame is already creeping up on me without even having a job to go to in Sioux Falls. Knowing that we were approved for our apartment and it is as ours as of April 15 also relaxes us. We have extra time to get things moved, rather than having a couple of days to do it all and then start our new jobs.

Having all of this time has me about as anxious as I have ever been. All I can think about is how much we have to do. All of the packing that needs to be done, the storage unit full of things that we need to go through and pack/get rid of, we need to CLEAN our apartment from top to bottom, we still don’t have the holes from the pipe issue in our ceiling fixed, I already gave notice to my landlord and what if she decides we didn’t give enough notice? HOW are we going to get all of our belongings and (potentially) three vehicles moved to Sioux Falls? Where are we going to put everything? We are losing out on a giant closet that stored most of our “extras” (holiday stuff, summer stuff, lawn chairs, etc).

And then there are these thoughts. How am I going to adjust to living in Sioux Falls? I’ve been in the same town for six years, same apartment for four, same job for two. I don’t like starting over at new jobs and going through the learning process. How are we going to afford the rent? It’s almost double what we are paying now. What are we going to have to cut back on to make this work? I know Matthew is getting a raise, and I know we will save some money from not having a storage unit and some other things. I know that we both used to pay our own rent, which equaled more than what our new place will be. How are we going to afford our wedding with all of these added expenses? How is everything going to be okay when right now I feel like I don’t even know which way is up?  

I need a lot of reassurance in the next month. I need people to calm me down when I get worked up; I need to remember that this is something that I’ve wanted for the last year. I need people to set me straight when I start thinking that none of this is going to work out. I need to remember that God has a plan for us, and even if it doesn’t seem like it He is looking out us and our best interests.  I need to continue my routine that I have here and not worry about tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or even the next month.

Everything will work out. It has to.

Wedding Planning

I like to pretend that I was one of those girls that had my whole wedding planned out so that when I got engaged I would know exactly what I wanted! Well, turns out that a girl can dream, but that dream probably isn’t going to become reality, at least not too easily.

We are less than 8 months away from our wedding and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. When I add things to my list though, it seems like we are making progress. We have a date, venue, DJ, Photographer, Photobooth, wedding party, party bus, wedding dress, readings…..yeah that’s about it. There are so many other things to figure out yet! Centerpieces/decorations, bridesmaid dresses and tuxes, FLOWERS!, songs, invitations, finishing our gift registries, CAKE!, and all sorts of other things I had no idea needed to be done, ha! I know I will feel much better when we have dresses and tuxes picked out, that’s for sure!

Mostly I’m excited to BE MARRIED. Yes, being engaged is a great time in my life and I have enjoyed every minute of it, but I’m ready! I didn’t think a yearlong engagement would be so bad, but when you’re as excited as I am, it kind of is! That being said, I am so glad I have the amount of time that I do to plan everything because I can only do so much before I am overwhelmed and need to take a break from it all. I can’t imagine trying to plan a wedding in 6 months, or even less! I feel like I would completely lose my mind and probably not make the best decisions about things.

Having a wedding party and families that are spread out is making things a bit difficult too, but soon enough we will be closer to my family and maybe things will be easier. I know having help close by will probably ease my stress. At any rate, I know October will be here before we know it, and I cannot wait to see how everything comes together!