Of my mind.
I am going on my third month of unemployment...and my brain will not stop working. I have applied for numerous jobs and have gotten a few interviews. But in the meantime and all of the in between time, my mind races, and races, and races.
When I get up in the morning I think about how I should have a job to be getting ready for. When I go for my morning run I think about how it's nice to be able to run in the middle of the morning and not early morning. When I get home from my run I think about what I am going to do the rest of the day to occupy my time. When I spend time looking for and applying for jobs I think about how much it sucks. When I am enjoying my afternoons in the sun with a book I think about how blessed I am that to be able to stay home for the time being without being in the poor house. When Matthew gets home from work I think about how lucky I am that he comes home to me everyday.
I stop what I'm doing many times throughout the day to catch my breath and calm my nerves. I am constantly talking to myself. I spend so much time breaking myself down that it takes twice that amount of time to talk myself back up. I have so much internal anxiety that there are times I can't sit still. I get up and pace. I re arrange things, I clean something, I sit outside, I come back in, I sit down, I get up, I finally relax. Repeat. I just spend so much of my time alone anymore that I can't help but think.
What if I never find a job in my field? What if I have to cave and get a crappy job somewhere just for the income? Where would I go? What if I can't find a job with day hours and no weekends? Why won't anyone hire me? What if I have to get a job I completely hate and dread going to everyday? How long before I run out of money? So many "what ifs" that don't even matter! So many "what ifs" that shouldn't even be a question at this point. SO many "shut the hell up Meghan's" that I can't believe I still think these things!
And then I start thinking about our wedding. I start thinking about how it's only a few months away (less than three already...yikes!) and I feel so completely unorganized and overwhelmed. I have so many people telling me so many ideas and opinions that I just want to cancel the whole damn thing and go to Vegas to elope! I know it will all be worth it come October 4, but in the meantime I am struggling. I want it to be MY wedding, MY ideas, ME asking for help, ME making decisions. And by ME I do mean Matthew and I (even though he never has an opinion and suggestion!).
I will probably continue to struggle with everything until I have a job to get up and go to every morning (then there will be different struggles! ha!) So, until then I will continue to wear myself out each and everyday with my mind going 100 mph all day, everyday!
