ENGAGED!!!

Oh my goodness. This is old news for any of my readers that know me personally, or have me on any form of social medial..but... I'M ENGAGED!!! AHHH! It's so exciting to finally be able to say that! Here is the short version of how this happened:

On Friday the 13th Matthew and I were planning on having a few friends over to watch some of the Friday the 13th movies, have some drinks, and just have a good time. We had ordered the complete collection of the movies in Blu Ray and them sent with 2 day shipping to ensure we had them in time. I ordered tem on my Amazon Prime account so all day Matthew was asking me to track the package. I knew he was excited about them but I had no idea to WHAT extent he was excited! Turns out he needed this to arrive as part of his proposal plan. I got home from work a little bit early that day, and we were planning to run to the store for last minute things before our friends came over. I had a busy day and told him that I wanted to lay down for a few minutes and have a little power nap. So I laid down and noticed the movie collection on the coffee table and went to reach for it so I could check it out. He stopped me from grabbing it, which is not unusual because he always likes to show me his new stuff. So he knelt down, also not weird because I was laying down so it got him eye level-ish, and opened the box. Well, there were no movies inside that box, but instead A RING!!!! Now anyone knows Matthew is not surprised at the part about him having the ring on a fake plastic Halloween finger we had purchased two days before that as a "prop" for our scary movie night. I was so excited that I didn't even really react!! At first I thought he was just teasing me, until he took the ring out of the box, gave me a speech, and asked me to be his wife! It was also when I saw the ring close up that I got SUPER excited and then did eventually get off the couch and jump up and down and hug and kiss him. We spent the next bit of time calling our parents (his mom knew all day that it was going to happen!), went out to our favorite bar to have a drink and tell our favorite bartender, ran our errands at the store, and came home to call more friends/family. Needless to say I never go that power nap, but I didn't need it because getting engaged gave me a second wind!  (Okay, so that wasn't exactly short....)

To most this isn't the romantic proposal they probably want/dream of. It wasn't the romantic proposal I always dreamed of happening either, but to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted him to do it any other way. We were both completely in our element (me on the couch, him being excited over a new movie) which cut out all public crowds, and all nerves that he probably had. He said he wasn't nervous, and I believe him (except maybe about my delayed reaction!). After the fact he did tell me about some big romantic ideas he had, but I'm glad he went the route he did, because it was totally "us". Which is also what both of our families said.

Last week was such a whirlwind. I was on cloud 9 and jumped right into trying to plan things. We picked out a date, 10/4/14 (I never thought it would be THAT hard to pick one!), booked the church in my hometown, reserved a venue (and paid for it!), reserved a block of hotel rooms, and have started the process of asking our wedding party to share in our special day! I am currently working on the photographer and DJ, and those are THEE most difficult because none of them want to just give you a price range or price quote, they want to sit down and talk to you. Who has time for that?! Phone calls I can do, but I just want straight up information on what they can offer and their price. I don't need any settled details yet, we still have plenty of time for that!!

I'm starting to think more about colors, dresses, etc, but really have no idea where to start with that. I will be going with my mom and a friend to a bridal show next month and will probably be overwhelmed with ideas! I know what I don't want, so that is the easy part.

At any rate, I am SO excited to start my new life with Matthew. It's a whole year (plus) away but I know the time will go fast and there is SO much to do. Everyone has told me that the big stuff is easy and there are so many things that need to be done that you don't even realize. That is why I have a "wedding to do" book on it's way. I'm so ADD that I hope it helps keep me a little bit organized.

As I sit and think about all of the planning I have coming my way I also can't help but think about how in love I am with Matthew. I knew he was the one a long time ago, even though I may not have admitted that to him ;) and have been waiting patiently for him to decide that he wants to keep me around forever!

I took my ring  in to get sized yesterday so am without it for a few days, and definitely feel naked without it! It still doesn't feel real :)

Suicide Awareness

I meant to post this blog yesterday, but didn’t get around to it because I was too busy enjoying my life, which is something that I wish I would’ve been doing 8 years ago.

 Suicide is something that hits close to home for more than one reason. I’ve made previous posts about this (not sure if it’s been on this blog or my old one), and people that know me well already know this, but I’m going to write about it anyways because I believe that it helps me (and maybe even others that are fighting a silent battle),  with what can still be a struggle today.

Suicide is everywhere. I would venture to guess that everyone knows someone who has committed suicide, or has either thought about it, or attempted it themselves. I am all of the above. When I was a freshman in college I attempted suicide. I believe if it wasn’t for my friends and the good Lord I would’ve succeeded in that attempt. I won’t go into detail (the details are boring) but I know I was close to succeeding because I was unconscious for about 12 hours. When I woke up I had no idea where I was, but my mom and my college roommate were at my bedside holding my hand and talking to me. I had to ask “what happened?” when I woke up. Which is funny considering I did it to myself.  I spent about three days in the hospital to ensure that all of the drugs I had put into my system made their way out, that I didn’t have any long lasting health affects, and to observe my well being in general. I had a psychological evaluation while I was there, and started counseling soon after I was released. I had family and friends come to visit me, which I still can’t figure out. Why would you want to visit someone that landed themselves a stay in the hospital after they tried to kill themselves? Moral support, I guess. I’m not complaining that I had visitors, but the friends that weren’t visiting me, were pissed at me. I didn’t comprehend why right away, but eventually I did.

All of this happened so fast, even though it was something that  I had been contemplating for quite a few months leading up to it. I didn’t have the day or the time planned out, it was more of an “I’m ready” type of decision I would say. Yes, I had been drinking. No, that wasn’t the “reason” I did it.  A lot of people question how you could ever do such a thing, or ever think your life is THAT bad. Mostly they wonder how you could be so selfish. This is something I never understood, until about a month later when my best friend (from high school) called to tell me that her dad had committed suicide. It wasn’t until I went to the prayer service and realized that it could’ve been me they were there to say their goodbyes to. I remember her mom giving me a hug and saying something along the lines of “don’t you ever do something so stupid again, call someone”. And that may have been my first “ah-ha” moment. It most definitely helped me realize that I had people that loved me, and that people were willing to help. Yes, it was stupid. But that most definitely was not the beginning of my road to “recovery”. It took a lot more than that, but it was definitely a good start to help the process.

I can’t possibly go into enough detail about what was going through my head in the time leading up to that night to help you understand better. Nor can I explain everything going through my head while I was trying to recover from that incident, both physically and mentally. I can tell you that once a person gets so low that suicide “seems” like the only option, the only escape, there isn’t much you can do to convince them otherwise, unless you know that person well enough to work with them. People that are depressed are tricky to handle. They don’t need your sympathy and they don’t need you to tell them what to do. They need support, they need a shoulder, and they need an ear. Most need professional help, which could be whole different ball game if they are in denial.

Anyways, I got a little bit off topic there.  The point is suicide is NOT the answer.  There are people out there, whether professionals or otherwise, that are willing to help. Everyone has SOMEONE they can talk to. A family member, friend, spouse, co worker, SOMEONE will listen, if you ask. Am I ashamed of my decision to try to end my life? Most certainly. Am I embarrassed to admit that I was there, in that deep, dark place? No, I am glad I was there so I can better appreciate the life I have now. Was I thinking about anyone else when I made that decision, took that step? No, I was only thinking of myself. I was thinking that my life was too terrible to live, and I was not about to ask anyone for help. I refused to believe that I had any “real” friends, that anyone loved me, that anyone would even care that I was gone. Boy was I wrong about that.

I will end this blog entry by saying that I really wouldn’t be who I am, or where I am today if I wouldn’t have made such a selfish decision 8 years ago. I am not “proud” of my actions by any means; I simply realize that it’s part of who I am. And that will never change. There are still days I struggle. I have not been that low again, because I learned how to cope before things get that bad. I am not ashamed to admit that I do have a history of depression and it’s something that I live with and deal with to this day.