I applied for my dream job in June. I heard back about an interview before the closing date and took that as a positive sign. I had an interview about a week later (one that I even went and bought a SUIT) for! I researched the company, prepared questions to ask, and walked into that interview with the highest of hopes. I was asked some tricky questions that took me by surprise but thought I handled myself really well and even threw in some humor when i didn't know what to say, which got the three men interviewing me to laugh and smile. I was told it would be a week or two before a decision was made and I'd hear anything. We had a vacation planned for the middle of July and I was hoping to hear back before we left. I didn't. I got a phone call on our second to last day of vacation and played phone tag all morning until I reached them. It was merely a phone call rejection. I spent the rest of the morning crying about it. Why wouldn't anyone hire me? Was I that terrible of a person? Did I not have "enough" experience? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!? That's when my hope officially started to falter. My self confidence was rock bottom, and I wanted to give up.
I kept trucking along looking for jobs and applying, with much less enthusiasm that before. By August I still had zero luck. At the end of August I decided to apply for a substitute teaching gig with the Sioux Falls School District. I knew I couldn't be rejected for that because I had all of the qualifications, and I know they don't turn anyone away. I was accepted right after labor day and I quit looking for full time jobs. I attended an orientation class just a few weeks before our wedding and had to wait for two weeks for things to come back from the state. I was very hesitant to accept any jobs at first. I was nervous, anxious, busy, and stressed out.
I accepted my first subbing gig on a Friday (I know). It was an afternoon job at a group home for at risk youth. I was anxious as all get out, even though I knew exactly what I was getting into because I've worked in a group home before. I was worried about nothing. I was there for 3 hours and survived with zero problems. Would I go back there if there was a need? Probably not. It brought back too many memories of working at NBC, and how terrible some of those days where. Would I go back if they requested me? Probably, because that tells me they thought I did okay the first time! (anyone can show a movie and handle a small reading group!) I took that next week off because it was wedding week. I was sick the week after our wedding but that is when I accepted mt second subbing gig. I went to an early childhood classroom for an afternoon. When I went there I had no idea I was going to be the "lunch EA", and was kind of pissed about it. I got to stay past lunch time and do other things, though, which made it okay. I had fun with those little squirts even though I felt like crap! I told them I would definitely come back if there was an opportunity. My next gig was in Garretson as a Special Ed EA. I was there three days and I enjoyed it! I wasn't getting paid nearly enough, but at least I was working and doing something productive with my day. Not to mention I found it to be super easy work. Most people would never go into a classroom like that and I gladly accepted it! There were only two students to work with, both non verbal. From there I was asked to come back for a teacher sub the following week and for PE farther down the road. I also spent two half days in a Sioux Falls elementary school as a Resource Room sub. This was something different because I worked one on one with a variety of kids. The school I was in was a high income school, as well as an immersion center. I enjoyed both of my days there working with so many different students. I got to help them read, do math, count, etc. All Second graders and below. My passion for special ed was confirmed, once again. I would take any type of special ed or different culture/learning environment over regular ed ANY DAY. I don't know many people that think that is "normal", but if it's different, sign me up!
Working a full two weeks in a row made me realize just how much I miss working. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss routine. I miss feeling rewarded at the end of the day. I miss interacting with other adults so much that I nearly forgot how to do so. I miss helping others. I miss having a purpose. I haven't worked this week, or had any offers to work this week, so I have been back at the search and apply game. I had a much needed break from spending my days applying only to be let down in the end and I"m ready to get back up and try again. My self confidence is slowly creeping back to where it needs to be, there are new opportunities out there, and I can imagine Matthew is glad to see me back in the game. I hope, and pray that this go 'round will bring me better luck. If not, at least I still have the subbing to keep me busy and help bring in some cash flow.
Someday I will write about how subbing is the worst idea for someone with anxiety. I find it to be pretty ironic, and a fun story to tell.
For now I will leave you with a couple of fitting quotes!
