A Day In The Life....

Of my mind.


I am going on my third month of unemployment...and my brain will not stop working. I have applied for numerous jobs and have gotten a few interviews. But in the meantime and all of the in between time, my mind races, and races, and races.


When I get up in the morning I think about how I should have a job to be getting ready for. When I go for my morning run I think about how it's nice to be able to run in the middle of the morning and not early morning. When I get home from my run I think about what I am going to do the rest of the day to occupy my time. When I spend time looking for and applying for jobs I think about how much it sucks. When I am enjoying my afternoons in the sun with a book I think about how blessed I am that to be able to stay home for the time being without being in the poor house. When Matthew gets home from work I think about how lucky I am that he comes home to me everyday.


I stop what I'm doing many times throughout the day to catch my breath and calm my nerves. I am constantly talking to myself. I spend so much time breaking myself down that it takes twice that amount of time to talk myself back up. I have so much internal anxiety that there are times I can't sit still. I get up and pace. I re arrange things, I clean something, I sit outside, I come back in, I sit down, I get up, I finally relax. Repeat. I just spend so much of my time alone anymore that I can't help but think.


What if I never find a job in my field? What if I have to cave and get a crappy job somewhere just for the income? Where would I go? What if I can't find a job with day hours and no weekends? Why won't anyone hire me? What if I have to get a job I completely hate and dread going to everyday? How long before I run out of money? So many "what ifs" that don't even matter! So many "what ifs" that shouldn't even be a question at this point. SO many "shut the hell up Meghan's" that I can't believe I still think these things!


And then I start thinking about our wedding. I start thinking about how it's only a few months away (less than three already...yikes!) and I feel so completely unorganized and overwhelmed. I have so many people telling me so many ideas and opinions that I just want to cancel the whole damn thing and go to Vegas to elope! I know it will all be worth it come October 4, but in the meantime I am struggling. I want it to be MY wedding, MY ideas, ME asking for help, ME making decisions. And by ME I do mean Matthew and I (even though he never has an opinion and suggestion!).


I will probably continue to struggle with everything until I have a job to get up and go to every morning (then there will be different struggles! ha!) So, until then I will continue to wear myself out each and everyday with my mind going 100 mph all day, everyday!

Sioux Falls...

LIFE:


Life is not the same as it was a month ago. Life is completely different. This is my life now.


**We moved to Sioux Falls on April 27th. On April 25th I had my last day of employment at the first job that I fully enjoyed the entire time I was employed. It was the first job that I was sad I had to quit. It was the first time I had been replaced before I even left. On April 26th my very wonderful parents, a couple of my good friends, Matthew, and I, packed up a U-Haul and 3 vehicles with all of our belongings. We spent our last night in Aberdeen sleeping on the floor. We were able to give some goodbye hugs Saturday night, and when we got up Sunday morning we sad our final goodbyes to the apartment I spent nearly 4 years in, and to the town I spent over 6 years in. It was bittersweet.
The drive to Sioux Falls was horrendous, to say the least. The weather was as crappy as it was on the day I moved to Aberdeen. Instead of snow and wind, we had rain and wind. We had car troubles, we had to take a different route to avoid the interstate due to the high winds, we had multiple pit stops. We finally made it and had some rock stars help us unpack our U Haul and vehicles.


**I came into this move without a job. I had been looking for two months and had a couple of interviews but no luck. I knew what I was in for when we moved. No job=no income. Lucky for me I have a generous savings account, received a nice final pay check and return deposit, and know how to be a penny pincher when needed. What I didn't know, was how long it would take me to find a job. I am on week SIX of unemployment. I haven't been unemployed for six weeks in YEARS. YEARS!!! I am not complaining because I know there are so many people that wish they could afford to stay home. I am so so SO grateful for Matthew's promotion that came with a very nice pay raise. I am so thankful for his willingness to pay the rent without my help. I am forever indebted to him. (Can you be indebted to your soon to be husband?!) I have gotten more rejection letters than I have interviews, and while it is discouraging, I just keep praying and telling myself that the right job is out there for me, I just have to find it.


**My first few weeks of unemployment were wonderful. I spent a lot of time unpacking and getting us settled into our new home. It's no easy task, that is for sure. But now that we are (for the most part) settled in the days are starting to get long. I have gotten a routine down so most of my daily "to do lists" are completed by noon...leaving me with the entire afternoon to figure out how to entertain myself. I have been enjoying sitting outside in the sun and reading books, but even that gets boring. Again, I am not complaining, but at the same time, I feel like a waste of society. I am perfectly capable of working and supporting myself, yet here I am. Unemployed for almost 7 weeks.


**I've started going on runs in the mornings. Not only am I completed disgusted with myself and hate myself for not fitting in summer clothes from last year, I miss exercising. I've been enjoying the runs and my time outside doing something besides reading a book. My mind usually races when I am on these runs, but by the time I get home I feel better. There has been more than one occasion when I had a breakdown when I returned home. A good cry never hurts. It's usually the same things that go through my head when I run. Things like: Why won't anyone hire me? Why does Matthew put up with me? How lucky am I to have Matthew? Why is my wedding not planned? What do I give up and get a shitty job just to have an income? Why do I have to suffer from anxiety? Does anybody know how I REALLY feel about this change? I wish people understood. I wish people would stop asking me if I have a job yet. and so on and so forth.


**The first few weeks we were in Sioux Falls my anxiety was almost non existent. Now, it's here ALL the time. I have beaten myself up so bad emotionally that I can't even think of one good thing to say about myself. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. I start thinking about everything under the sun and then next thing I know I'm either angry or in tears. It's hard to control your emotions when you have so much going on. When you spend a majority of your time alone. Being me has not been easy the past three weeks. Being me has been a nightmare.

Moving

I am not one that likes a lot of change. I have a hard time with accepting change, and I struggle adapting to change. Whether it’s a new job, new things going on at my job, a new doctor, a new schedule, and pretty much a “new” or “different” anything.

So, now I have all of this change thrown at me at once. I have to find a new job, give notice at my current job (which I’ve never had to do for a job I actually liked!), find somewhere to live in Sioux Falls, and move. All before May 1^st. HEEELLP!! Oh, and in amongst all of this, plan my wedding. Which will be here before we know it, and even though everyone says everything will “come together”, I don’t believe them. There is still so much I haven’t decided on or even thought of for this wedding that I feel like I have nothing accomplished. Needless to say all of this is causing an extremely overwhelming amount of stress on me. I have applied for four jobs, and had one phone interview which called me back for an in person interview (yay! Cross your fingers!) I have told my boss that I will be moving, but haven’t given an official notice as I do not want to put the cart before the horse. We found a place to live in Sioux Falls but are waiting on a phone call to tell us that they will accept us. Who knew it was so damn hard to rent an apartment these days?! They practically need your first born child.

I knew the day would come that we would be moving. I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not scared. I am simply anxious. I have lived in Aberdeen for over six years already, and when I met Matthew and we started dating one of the first things he told me about his job is that he is in a “mobile” profession, meaning every 3 or so years he is able for promotions; which means moving to a different council. Both of us have been wanting to get out of Aberdeen for about a year now. When his bosses presented him with an opportunity in Sioux Falls last February, we got really excited. Little did we know it would take them on year (to the day!) to officially offer him the position. There was no way I was going to say no, because it was either that or move somewhere farther away. His goal is to get closer to his mom, and by moving to Sioux Falls we are doing just that.

We got about a 10 week “notice” that we will be moving. I am not sure if having this much time is good or bad. It’s been nice because we didn’t have to rush into anything, but at the same time, a whole month has already gone by, leaving us with about 6 weeks. My job requires a 30 day notice, and that time frame is already creeping up on me without even having a job to go to in Sioux Falls. Knowing that we were approved for our apartment and it is as ours as of April 15 also relaxes us. We have extra time to get things moved, rather than having a couple of days to do it all and then start our new jobs.

Having all of this time has me about as anxious as I have ever been. All I can think about is how much we have to do. All of the packing that needs to be done, the storage unit full of things that we need to go through and pack/get rid of, we need to CLEAN our apartment from top to bottom, we still don’t have the holes from the pipe issue in our ceiling fixed, I already gave notice to my landlord and what if she decides we didn’t give enough notice? HOW are we going to get all of our belongings and (potentially) three vehicles moved to Sioux Falls? Where are we going to put everything? We are losing out on a giant closet that stored most of our “extras” (holiday stuff, summer stuff, lawn chairs, etc).

And then there are these thoughts. How am I going to adjust to living in Sioux Falls? I’ve been in the same town for six years, same apartment for four, same job for two. I don’t like starting over at new jobs and going through the learning process. How are we going to afford the rent? It’s almost double what we are paying now. What are we going to have to cut back on to make this work? I know Matthew is getting a raise, and I know we will save some money from not having a storage unit and some other things. I know that we both used to pay our own rent, which equaled more than what our new place will be. How are we going to afford our wedding with all of these added expenses? How is everything going to be okay when right now I feel like I don’t even know which way is up?  

I need a lot of reassurance in the next month. I need people to calm me down when I get worked up; I need to remember that this is something that I’ve wanted for the last year. I need people to set me straight when I start thinking that none of this is going to work out. I need to remember that God has a plan for us, and even if it doesn’t seem like it He is looking out us and our best interests.  I need to continue my routine that I have here and not worry about tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or even the next month.

Everything will work out. It has to.

Wedding Planning

I like to pretend that I was one of those girls that had my whole wedding planned out so that when I got engaged I would know exactly what I wanted! Well, turns out that a girl can dream, but that dream probably isn’t going to become reality, at least not too easily.

We are less than 8 months away from our wedding and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. When I add things to my list though, it seems like we are making progress. We have a date, venue, DJ, Photographer, Photobooth, wedding party, party bus, wedding dress, readings…..yeah that’s about it. There are so many other things to figure out yet! Centerpieces/decorations, bridesmaid dresses and tuxes, FLOWERS!, songs, invitations, finishing our gift registries, CAKE!, and all sorts of other things I had no idea needed to be done, ha! I know I will feel much better when we have dresses and tuxes picked out, that’s for sure!

Mostly I’m excited to BE MARRIED. Yes, being engaged is a great time in my life and I have enjoyed every minute of it, but I’m ready! I didn’t think a yearlong engagement would be so bad, but when you’re as excited as I am, it kind of is! That being said, I am so glad I have the amount of time that I do to plan everything because I can only do so much before I am overwhelmed and need to take a break from it all. I can’t imagine trying to plan a wedding in 6 months, or even less! I feel like I would completely lose my mind and probably not make the best decisions about things.

Having a wedding party and families that are spread out is making things a bit difficult too, but soon enough we will be closer to my family and maybe things will be easier. I know having help close by will probably ease my stress. At any rate, I know October will be here before we know it, and I cannot wait to see how everything comes together!

Lecture?

“A suffering person does not need a lecture- he needs a listener” –Billy Graham

I saw this quote on a Facebook post yesterday and I thought to myself “how perfect”. There are so many people in this world that pass judgment on others (I am guilty of this at times) without even knowing what that person is going through, or has  been through.  Even if you do know what a person is going through nine times out of ten a lecture is not the answer.

I don’t remember a time before now (the last year or two) when society was so judgmental. It seems like now it doesn’t make a difference what you say or do, how pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, rich or poor you are, everyone is judging you. I can tell you that this has really taken a toll on my own self confidence, particularly in the last 6 months or so. I look at myself in the mirror and think I am fat. I go shopping and see cute clothes and think I am fat. I do my hair and think that it’s ugly. I look at the possessions I have and the things I can’t afford to buy and think since everyone else I know has those things that I must be poor. I get up and go to my job everyday and see people that are lucky enough to be able to stay at home and either not work, or work from their home, and think I must be stupid. I mean, if I was smart I would be independently wealthy, right? Or, if I “knew what was good for me” I would do something for work that gave me all the freedom in the world.  But tell me; what is wrong with carrying a few extra pounds, having an 8-4 job, not having the most up to date technology or a brand new car? If I didn’t go through everyday knowing that everyone I see at work, at the store, at the gym, at the gas station, or wherever I am, was judging me, I most likely wouldn’t judge myself. If I didn’t see people bragging about their new “things”, their latest work out, their weekly weigh in, their raise, new job, fancy wedding, etc etc, all over social media, I wouldn’t compare myself to them.

What most people don’t know about me is I suffer, daily. I have a lot of anxiety in life and I also suffer from SAD.  I haven’t always been this way, but over the last 4 or 5 years I have been living with it. There are days I wake up so anxious about the day that I can barely get myself out the door in one piece. I do not take medications for this and that is my choice. I feel like I have learned some great coping skills over the course of this and 99% of the time I can get myself out of these situations on my own, or with help from a friend. Particularly Matthew, he’s really good with it and I am so thankful for that.

What I want to say to people is “SHUT UP!” I don’t want your newest “make money from home” fad, because quite frankly I need routine in my day, and that does not give me any sort of routine. I don’t want to spend a bunch of money on the newest P90X (or whatever the hot workout video is right now) and fail (like many other people I know, do)  I don’t want to completely quit eating foods I enjoy because they’re “bad” for me. I don’t want to buy a brand new car and be in debt for another 20 years. I don’t want to spend money I don’t have on the latest fashion or hair trends. You might think I don’t want anything to do with these things because I am afraid of change, but that is not the case. Sure I, like most, may be resistant to change at times, but if you have known me long enough you know that I have accepted and welcomed a lot of change in my life. What bothers me about all of this is that whoever is telling, or suggesting, that I do things this way or that, is JUDGING me and my life. WHY!? What is so wrong with being different? What is so wrong with enjoying my life without worrying about every little thing? Why can’t you look at me, and my life, (or anyone for that matter) and just be happy that THEY are happy. After all, it’s THEIR life, not YOURS.

After all, a suffering person does not need a lecture, rather a listener. I am going to challenge myself to be better at this as well.

ENGAGED!!!

Oh my goodness. This is old news for any of my readers that know me personally, or have me on any form of social medial..but... I'M ENGAGED!!! AHHH! It's so exciting to finally be able to say that! Here is the short version of how this happened:

On Friday the 13th Matthew and I were planning on having a few friends over to watch some of the Friday the 13th movies, have some drinks, and just have a good time. We had ordered the complete collection of the movies in Blu Ray and them sent with 2 day shipping to ensure we had them in time. I ordered tem on my Amazon Prime account so all day Matthew was asking me to track the package. I knew he was excited about them but I had no idea to WHAT extent he was excited! Turns out he needed this to arrive as part of his proposal plan. I got home from work a little bit early that day, and we were planning to run to the store for last minute things before our friends came over. I had a busy day and told him that I wanted to lay down for a few minutes and have a little power nap. So I laid down and noticed the movie collection on the coffee table and went to reach for it so I could check it out. He stopped me from grabbing it, which is not unusual because he always likes to show me his new stuff. So he knelt down, also not weird because I was laying down so it got him eye level-ish, and opened the box. Well, there were no movies inside that box, but instead A RING!!!! Now anyone knows Matthew is not surprised at the part about him having the ring on a fake plastic Halloween finger we had purchased two days before that as a "prop" for our scary movie night. I was so excited that I didn't even really react!! At first I thought he was just teasing me, until he took the ring out of the box, gave me a speech, and asked me to be his wife! It was also when I saw the ring close up that I got SUPER excited and then did eventually get off the couch and jump up and down and hug and kiss him. We spent the next bit of time calling our parents (his mom knew all day that it was going to happen!), went out to our favorite bar to have a drink and tell our favorite bartender, ran our errands at the store, and came home to call more friends/family. Needless to say I never go that power nap, but I didn't need it because getting engaged gave me a second wind!  (Okay, so that wasn't exactly short....)

To most this isn't the romantic proposal they probably want/dream of. It wasn't the romantic proposal I always dreamed of happening either, but to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted him to do it any other way. We were both completely in our element (me on the couch, him being excited over a new movie) which cut out all public crowds, and all nerves that he probably had. He said he wasn't nervous, and I believe him (except maybe about my delayed reaction!). After the fact he did tell me about some big romantic ideas he had, but I'm glad he went the route he did, because it was totally "us". Which is also what both of our families said.

Last week was such a whirlwind. I was on cloud 9 and jumped right into trying to plan things. We picked out a date, 10/4/14 (I never thought it would be THAT hard to pick one!), booked the church in my hometown, reserved a venue (and paid for it!), reserved a block of hotel rooms, and have started the process of asking our wedding party to share in our special day! I am currently working on the photographer and DJ, and those are THEE most difficult because none of them want to just give you a price range or price quote, they want to sit down and talk to you. Who has time for that?! Phone calls I can do, but I just want straight up information on what they can offer and their price. I don't need any settled details yet, we still have plenty of time for that!!

I'm starting to think more about colors, dresses, etc, but really have no idea where to start with that. I will be going with my mom and a friend to a bridal show next month and will probably be overwhelmed with ideas! I know what I don't want, so that is the easy part.

At any rate, I am SO excited to start my new life with Matthew. It's a whole year (plus) away but I know the time will go fast and there is SO much to do. Everyone has told me that the big stuff is easy and there are so many things that need to be done that you don't even realize. That is why I have a "wedding to do" book on it's way. I'm so ADD that I hope it helps keep me a little bit organized.

As I sit and think about all of the planning I have coming my way I also can't help but think about how in love I am with Matthew. I knew he was the one a long time ago, even though I may not have admitted that to him ;) and have been waiting patiently for him to decide that he wants to keep me around forever!

I took my ring  in to get sized yesterday so am without it for a few days, and definitely feel naked without it! It still doesn't feel real :)

Suicide Awareness

I meant to post this blog yesterday, but didn’t get around to it because I was too busy enjoying my life, which is something that I wish I would’ve been doing 8 years ago.

 Suicide is something that hits close to home for more than one reason. I’ve made previous posts about this (not sure if it’s been on this blog or my old one), and people that know me well already know this, but I’m going to write about it anyways because I believe that it helps me (and maybe even others that are fighting a silent battle),  with what can still be a struggle today.

Suicide is everywhere. I would venture to guess that everyone knows someone who has committed suicide, or has either thought about it, or attempted it themselves. I am all of the above. When I was a freshman in college I attempted suicide. I believe if it wasn’t for my friends and the good Lord I would’ve succeeded in that attempt. I won’t go into detail (the details are boring) but I know I was close to succeeding because I was unconscious for about 12 hours. When I woke up I had no idea where I was, but my mom and my college roommate were at my bedside holding my hand and talking to me. I had to ask “what happened?” when I woke up. Which is funny considering I did it to myself.  I spent about three days in the hospital to ensure that all of the drugs I had put into my system made their way out, that I didn’t have any long lasting health affects, and to observe my well being in general. I had a psychological evaluation while I was there, and started counseling soon after I was released. I had family and friends come to visit me, which I still can’t figure out. Why would you want to visit someone that landed themselves a stay in the hospital after they tried to kill themselves? Moral support, I guess. I’m not complaining that I had visitors, but the friends that weren’t visiting me, were pissed at me. I didn’t comprehend why right away, but eventually I did.

All of this happened so fast, even though it was something that  I had been contemplating for quite a few months leading up to it. I didn’t have the day or the time planned out, it was more of an “I’m ready” type of decision I would say. Yes, I had been drinking. No, that wasn’t the “reason” I did it.  A lot of people question how you could ever do such a thing, or ever think your life is THAT bad. Mostly they wonder how you could be so selfish. This is something I never understood, until about a month later when my best friend (from high school) called to tell me that her dad had committed suicide. It wasn’t until I went to the prayer service and realized that it could’ve been me they were there to say their goodbyes to. I remember her mom giving me a hug and saying something along the lines of “don’t you ever do something so stupid again, call someone”. And that may have been my first “ah-ha” moment. It most definitely helped me realize that I had people that loved me, and that people were willing to help. Yes, it was stupid. But that most definitely was not the beginning of my road to “recovery”. It took a lot more than that, but it was definitely a good start to help the process.

I can’t possibly go into enough detail about what was going through my head in the time leading up to that night to help you understand better. Nor can I explain everything going through my head while I was trying to recover from that incident, both physically and mentally. I can tell you that once a person gets so low that suicide “seems” like the only option, the only escape, there isn’t much you can do to convince them otherwise, unless you know that person well enough to work with them. People that are depressed are tricky to handle. They don’t need your sympathy and they don’t need you to tell them what to do. They need support, they need a shoulder, and they need an ear. Most need professional help, which could be whole different ball game if they are in denial.

Anyways, I got a little bit off topic there.  The point is suicide is NOT the answer.  There are people out there, whether professionals or otherwise, that are willing to help. Everyone has SOMEONE they can talk to. A family member, friend, spouse, co worker, SOMEONE will listen, if you ask. Am I ashamed of my decision to try to end my life? Most certainly. Am I embarrassed to admit that I was there, in that deep, dark place? No, I am glad I was there so I can better appreciate the life I have now. Was I thinking about anyone else when I made that decision, took that step? No, I was only thinking of myself. I was thinking that my life was too terrible to live, and I was not about to ask anyone for help. I refused to believe that I had any “real” friends, that anyone loved me, that anyone would even care that I was gone. Boy was I wrong about that.

I will end this blog entry by saying that I really wouldn’t be who I am, or where I am today if I wouldn’t have made such a selfish decision 8 years ago. I am not “proud” of my actions by any means; I simply realize that it’s part of who I am. And that will never change. There are still days I struggle. I have not been that low again, because I learned how to cope before things get that bad. I am not ashamed to admit that I do have a history of depression and it’s something that I live with and deal with to this day.