Lecture?

“A suffering person does not need a lecture- he needs a listener” –Billy Graham

I saw this quote on a Facebook post yesterday and I thought to myself “how perfect”. There are so many people in this world that pass judgment on others (I am guilty of this at times) without even knowing what that person is going through, or has  been through.  Even if you do know what a person is going through nine times out of ten a lecture is not the answer.

I don’t remember a time before now (the last year or two) when society was so judgmental. It seems like now it doesn’t make a difference what you say or do, how pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, rich or poor you are, everyone is judging you. I can tell you that this has really taken a toll on my own self confidence, particularly in the last 6 months or so. I look at myself in the mirror and think I am fat. I go shopping and see cute clothes and think I am fat. I do my hair and think that it’s ugly. I look at the possessions I have and the things I can’t afford to buy and think since everyone else I know has those things that I must be poor. I get up and go to my job everyday and see people that are lucky enough to be able to stay at home and either not work, or work from their home, and think I must be stupid. I mean, if I was smart I would be independently wealthy, right? Or, if I “knew what was good for me” I would do something for work that gave me all the freedom in the world.  But tell me; what is wrong with carrying a few extra pounds, having an 8-4 job, not having the most up to date technology or a brand new car? If I didn’t go through everyday knowing that everyone I see at work, at the store, at the gym, at the gas station, or wherever I am, was judging me, I most likely wouldn’t judge myself. If I didn’t see people bragging about their new “things”, their latest work out, their weekly weigh in, their raise, new job, fancy wedding, etc etc, all over social media, I wouldn’t compare myself to them.

What most people don’t know about me is I suffer, daily. I have a lot of anxiety in life and I also suffer from SAD.  I haven’t always been this way, but over the last 4 or 5 years I have been living with it. There are days I wake up so anxious about the day that I can barely get myself out the door in one piece. I do not take medications for this and that is my choice. I feel like I have learned some great coping skills over the course of this and 99% of the time I can get myself out of these situations on my own, or with help from a friend. Particularly Matthew, he’s really good with it and I am so thankful for that.

What I want to say to people is “SHUT UP!” I don’t want your newest “make money from home” fad, because quite frankly I need routine in my day, and that does not give me any sort of routine. I don’t want to spend a bunch of money on the newest P90X (or whatever the hot workout video is right now) and fail (like many other people I know, do)  I don’t want to completely quit eating foods I enjoy because they’re “bad” for me. I don’t want to buy a brand new car and be in debt for another 20 years. I don’t want to spend money I don’t have on the latest fashion or hair trends. You might think I don’t want anything to do with these things because I am afraid of change, but that is not the case. Sure I, like most, may be resistant to change at times, but if you have known me long enough you know that I have accepted and welcomed a lot of change in my life. What bothers me about all of this is that whoever is telling, or suggesting, that I do things this way or that, is JUDGING me and my life. WHY!? What is so wrong with being different? What is so wrong with enjoying my life without worrying about every little thing? Why can’t you look at me, and my life, (or anyone for that matter) and just be happy that THEY are happy. After all, it’s THEIR life, not YOURS.

After all, a suffering person does not need a lecture, rather a listener. I am going to challenge myself to be better at this as well.

ENGAGED!!!

Oh my goodness. This is old news for any of my readers that know me personally, or have me on any form of social medial..but... I'M ENGAGED!!! AHHH! It's so exciting to finally be able to say that! Here is the short version of how this happened:

On Friday the 13th Matthew and I were planning on having a few friends over to watch some of the Friday the 13th movies, have some drinks, and just have a good time. We had ordered the complete collection of the movies in Blu Ray and them sent with 2 day shipping to ensure we had them in time. I ordered tem on my Amazon Prime account so all day Matthew was asking me to track the package. I knew he was excited about them but I had no idea to WHAT extent he was excited! Turns out he needed this to arrive as part of his proposal plan. I got home from work a little bit early that day, and we were planning to run to the store for last minute things before our friends came over. I had a busy day and told him that I wanted to lay down for a few minutes and have a little power nap. So I laid down and noticed the movie collection on the coffee table and went to reach for it so I could check it out. He stopped me from grabbing it, which is not unusual because he always likes to show me his new stuff. So he knelt down, also not weird because I was laying down so it got him eye level-ish, and opened the box. Well, there were no movies inside that box, but instead A RING!!!! Now anyone knows Matthew is not surprised at the part about him having the ring on a fake plastic Halloween finger we had purchased two days before that as a "prop" for our scary movie night. I was so excited that I didn't even really react!! At first I thought he was just teasing me, until he took the ring out of the box, gave me a speech, and asked me to be his wife! It was also when I saw the ring close up that I got SUPER excited and then did eventually get off the couch and jump up and down and hug and kiss him. We spent the next bit of time calling our parents (his mom knew all day that it was going to happen!), went out to our favorite bar to have a drink and tell our favorite bartender, ran our errands at the store, and came home to call more friends/family. Needless to say I never go that power nap, but I didn't need it because getting engaged gave me a second wind!  (Okay, so that wasn't exactly short....)

To most this isn't the romantic proposal they probably want/dream of. It wasn't the romantic proposal I always dreamed of happening either, but to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted him to do it any other way. We were both completely in our element (me on the couch, him being excited over a new movie) which cut out all public crowds, and all nerves that he probably had. He said he wasn't nervous, and I believe him (except maybe about my delayed reaction!). After the fact he did tell me about some big romantic ideas he had, but I'm glad he went the route he did, because it was totally "us". Which is also what both of our families said.

Last week was such a whirlwind. I was on cloud 9 and jumped right into trying to plan things. We picked out a date, 10/4/14 (I never thought it would be THAT hard to pick one!), booked the church in my hometown, reserved a venue (and paid for it!), reserved a block of hotel rooms, and have started the process of asking our wedding party to share in our special day! I am currently working on the photographer and DJ, and those are THEE most difficult because none of them want to just give you a price range or price quote, they want to sit down and talk to you. Who has time for that?! Phone calls I can do, but I just want straight up information on what they can offer and their price. I don't need any settled details yet, we still have plenty of time for that!!

I'm starting to think more about colors, dresses, etc, but really have no idea where to start with that. I will be going with my mom and a friend to a bridal show next month and will probably be overwhelmed with ideas! I know what I don't want, so that is the easy part.

At any rate, I am SO excited to start my new life with Matthew. It's a whole year (plus) away but I know the time will go fast and there is SO much to do. Everyone has told me that the big stuff is easy and there are so many things that need to be done that you don't even realize. That is why I have a "wedding to do" book on it's way. I'm so ADD that I hope it helps keep me a little bit organized.

As I sit and think about all of the planning I have coming my way I also can't help but think about how in love I am with Matthew. I knew he was the one a long time ago, even though I may not have admitted that to him ;) and have been waiting patiently for him to decide that he wants to keep me around forever!

I took my ring  in to get sized yesterday so am without it for a few days, and definitely feel naked without it! It still doesn't feel real :)

Suicide Awareness

I meant to post this blog yesterday, but didn’t get around to it because I was too busy enjoying my life, which is something that I wish I would’ve been doing 8 years ago.

 Suicide is something that hits close to home for more than one reason. I’ve made previous posts about this (not sure if it’s been on this blog or my old one), and people that know me well already know this, but I’m going to write about it anyways because I believe that it helps me (and maybe even others that are fighting a silent battle),  with what can still be a struggle today.

Suicide is everywhere. I would venture to guess that everyone knows someone who has committed suicide, or has either thought about it, or attempted it themselves. I am all of the above. When I was a freshman in college I attempted suicide. I believe if it wasn’t for my friends and the good Lord I would’ve succeeded in that attempt. I won’t go into detail (the details are boring) but I know I was close to succeeding because I was unconscious for about 12 hours. When I woke up I had no idea where I was, but my mom and my college roommate were at my bedside holding my hand and talking to me. I had to ask “what happened?” when I woke up. Which is funny considering I did it to myself.  I spent about three days in the hospital to ensure that all of the drugs I had put into my system made their way out, that I didn’t have any long lasting health affects, and to observe my well being in general. I had a psychological evaluation while I was there, and started counseling soon after I was released. I had family and friends come to visit me, which I still can’t figure out. Why would you want to visit someone that landed themselves a stay in the hospital after they tried to kill themselves? Moral support, I guess. I’m not complaining that I had visitors, but the friends that weren’t visiting me, were pissed at me. I didn’t comprehend why right away, but eventually I did.

All of this happened so fast, even though it was something that  I had been contemplating for quite a few months leading up to it. I didn’t have the day or the time planned out, it was more of an “I’m ready” type of decision I would say. Yes, I had been drinking. No, that wasn’t the “reason” I did it.  A lot of people question how you could ever do such a thing, or ever think your life is THAT bad. Mostly they wonder how you could be so selfish. This is something I never understood, until about a month later when my best friend (from high school) called to tell me that her dad had committed suicide. It wasn’t until I went to the prayer service and realized that it could’ve been me they were there to say their goodbyes to. I remember her mom giving me a hug and saying something along the lines of “don’t you ever do something so stupid again, call someone”. And that may have been my first “ah-ha” moment. It most definitely helped me realize that I had people that loved me, and that people were willing to help. Yes, it was stupid. But that most definitely was not the beginning of my road to “recovery”. It took a lot more than that, but it was definitely a good start to help the process.

I can’t possibly go into enough detail about what was going through my head in the time leading up to that night to help you understand better. Nor can I explain everything going through my head while I was trying to recover from that incident, both physically and mentally. I can tell you that once a person gets so low that suicide “seems” like the only option, the only escape, there isn’t much you can do to convince them otherwise, unless you know that person well enough to work with them. People that are depressed are tricky to handle. They don’t need your sympathy and they don’t need you to tell them what to do. They need support, they need a shoulder, and they need an ear. Most need professional help, which could be whole different ball game if they are in denial.

Anyways, I got a little bit off topic there.  The point is suicide is NOT the answer.  There are people out there, whether professionals or otherwise, that are willing to help. Everyone has SOMEONE they can talk to. A family member, friend, spouse, co worker, SOMEONE will listen, if you ask. Am I ashamed of my decision to try to end my life? Most certainly. Am I embarrassed to admit that I was there, in that deep, dark place? No, I am glad I was there so I can better appreciate the life I have now. Was I thinking about anyone else when I made that decision, took that step? No, I was only thinking of myself. I was thinking that my life was too terrible to live, and I was not about to ask anyone for help. I refused to believe that I had any “real” friends, that anyone loved me, that anyone would even care that I was gone. Boy was I wrong about that.

I will end this blog entry by saying that I really wouldn’t be who I am, or where I am today if I wouldn’t have made such a selfish decision 8 years ago. I am not “proud” of my actions by any means; I simply realize that it’s part of who I am. And that will never change. There are still days I struggle. I have not been that low again, because I learned how to cope before things get that bad. I am not ashamed to admit that I do have a history of depression and it’s something that I live with and deal with to this day.  

Feelings of Nostalgia

I remember move in day like it was yesterday. My parents and my best friend at the time, Nicole, came along to help with the process. I remember Kara passing me in the hall and me whispering to my parents (I think that’s my roommate!!) Turns out, I was right!

The summer between my last year of high school and first year of college the popular Dell Computer commercial was the one where the girl goes to college with all of her pink belongings and her roommate has all black things and is a Goth. Due to my obsession with all things pink at the time, I joked around about that being me. I wasn’t too far off either. There I was moving in all of my brightly colored belongings, pink bedding, closet full of pink clothes, sunshine and happiness at its finest, when here comes Kara. Kara wasn’t a Goth, but she definitely was not into the bright colors, especially not pink! She moved in all of her dark colored things, (she owned a lot of brown!) and while I was putting pictures of my best friends up on my wall, she was hanging up posters of bands I had never even heard of.
I’m glad Nicole was with me, because I was quite worried about how this was going to go, even though I pretended I was super excited (I really probably was!). When my parents left I occupied myself with decorating my room, touring the campus with Nicole, kind of meeting the people in my dorm, and fretting about Kara! I did have a couple of friends in town, so they helped the first night go by rather painlessly. I did not sleep in my dorm room the first night and I didn’t go to the “mandatory” dorm meeting in the morning. When Kara’s parents asked about me the next morning (they were from Omaha so they stayed the night in town) she told them that I was out for breakfast with my parents. That’s when I know that this girl was awesome, and even though we (obviously) had opposite tastes, we were going to get along just fine.
I did get lost finding my classes on my first day, and I did have second thoughts about being in college, and wondered how I was going to make friends, and how on Earth would I survive without my parents?! I won’t get into my entire freshman year, but let’s just say that I had no issues making friends, I was right to second guess being in school, and I did not survive without my parents! But I did pretty good after my rough freshman year.
Every year at this time I get very nostalgic. I start to think about that first day, first semester, first year, of college at SMSU. I think about the friends I had there, sometimes I even take out my old photo albums and page through them. I start to wonder about where some of them are (the ones I don’t have on Facebook, anyways), how they’re doing, did they ever graduate? (I left before my four years was up..) And, would they even know me if they saw me on the streets?
I start to think about how that year was a big mistake, but then remember about how much that year molded me into the person that I am today. I made some good friends that first year and living in the dorms is something I am glad I experienced, even though I would never want to go back and do it again.

There are many times I think about going back to school, and this time of year is always one of them that I think about it a lot. I think about how “I could get a better job”, “I could get paid more”, “I could move away from here”, “I could make a BIGGER difference in MORE people’s lives”, “I would really enjoy being back in school”, “I could stop paying on my loans for awhile”. Ya know, those sorts of things. But then I find myself stuck on what exactly I would go back to school for. Counseling? Social Work? Something completely different? I don’t know.

For now I am going to go back to be nostalgic.

Eat, Drink, and be Married.

If there is one thing I am certain of, it's that I absolutely LOVE my family. I had the greatest weekend of my life this past weekend, no doubt about it. I keep thinking about it and smiling, and laughing, and then crying about how it's over. It definitely made me realize that we do not take advantage of getting together enough.

Being together with my relatives that I don't see often answered a lot of questions about why I am the way I am! If I ever had any doubt about if I was a Schaefer or not, that question was also answered. Holy smokes I am one of them through and through! I love it! Between our personalities, our blonde hair, our smiles, laughs, the way we cry when we leave, all of it!

I don't have a big family. My dad's family has grown over the years since my cousins have gotten married and had kids, but I don't claim even being part of that family so that doesn't matter to me. My mom's family is small. There's 9 cousins and 4.5 second cousins. A few aunts, a few uncles, and probably some greats that are still alive somewhere. No grandmas, no grandpas, no great grand kids, no 3rd cousins. Just us. And I'm okay with that. Even if we are far away and never see each other, we know each other and we get each other, and that's really all that matters, right?

It does make me sad that it took us so long to realize this, but like they say, better late than never!

I am going to make every effort I can (and I don't think I'm going to be alone in this) to see everyone more often.

***I started this blog entry when I got back from my (2nd) cousin's wedding over the 4th of July. That will forever be the best wedding I've ever been too, and one of the best weekends of my life. I feel like the only wedding that will ever top that is my own, and they will all be there to share that with me =) I still miss them all and get sad just thinking about the weekend, but I have memories and pictures to get me through!

Up, Down, Up?

I had the absolute time of my life last weekend. Nothing could've gone better (except it could've lasted forever). Last weekend I got to (re) meet my cousin and his wife, see my cousin I haven't seen in 7 years and meet his wife and 4 year old, see my fav cousins, and party like it was the end of the world! My (second) cousin, who I admit I am not close with nor do I know very well, got married on Saturday, which was, obviously, the weekend of the 4th of July. We (as in Matthew and I) went to my parents house on the 3rd after work to make a long weekend of it. On the Fourth we just hung out at home with my family and my neighbor and played yard games, shot some fireworks, had some beers, and grilled out. It was a lot of fun. On Friday Matt and I got up super early and left to spend the day at the Omaha Zoo. It was hot out, but I had a lot of fun. We spent about four hours there, and even though we didn't get to see EVERYTHING, we saw quite a bit. I was ready to be done walking after four hours. Not seeing everything this time gives us an excuse to go back someday!

Then it was back to Sioux City for the wedding weekend! The first person I saw (and got to witness me struggling with the luggage cart) was my cousin Boyd!!! The one I haven't seen since I was too young to even remember him! (I have pictures as evidence!) He gave me a great big hug and I went on my way with that stupid luggage cart. They all had to be at the rehearsal dinner so they met back up with us later that evening. I think they got back around 9 and we (well, most of us) were up until about 1:30 drinking and catching up on each other's lives! It was especially exciting to meet Boyd's wife and visit with her. Even though it was if we already knew each other (thanks, Facebook!)

Saturday was the wedding. It was a very beautiful wedding and Kayla looked gorgeous (as always). It was short and sweet too, which is always a bonus. The rest of the evening/night was spending drinking, taking a million pictures, dancing, and taking over the photo booth that Tyler and Kayla had at the wedding! I am definitely getting a photo booth at my wedding reception when I get married! We had more fun with that thing than anyone else there! The wedding dance went until 2 am, and of course we didn't stop there. We were up until almost 4 am BSing. It made for a long drive back on Sunday, but if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would! I found out that us Schaefer's have more in common that we probably would've imagined. It's re assuring to know some of those things! HA!

So...after that great weekend, the best I've had in a very long time, came a bad week. I had one of "those" weeks, the ones that come around this exact time every year, and also at some point in the middle of winter. It hasn't been a fun week. This is what it's been like and how I have been feeling..

Tired, all of the time, no matter how much I sleep. Wanting to sleep, all of the time, even if I'm not tired. Lonely even though I haven't bee alone but for an hour here or there. Sad, even though I can't figure out what there is to be sad about. Anxious, even though there is NOTHING to be anxious about. Depressed, about what?! Hopeless, hell I'm never HOPEFUL! Bored. Uninterested. Mad at the stupidest little things that nobody should ever get mad about. It has been TERRIBLE. Everyone in the world could ask me what's wrong and I will not have an answer for them. I'm in one of those funks that I can't get out of. I know that (hopefully tomorrow) I will wake up and life will be back to normal and it'll be like this past week never even happened. These "downers" seem to last about a week. Sometimes a little less, but not usually any longer. I don't like it. I hate it. I can't explain it and nobody can understand it. I get small bursts of energy that last about an hour and then I'm done. Matthew has offered several options for things to do and I just say no. Why?! They're things I normally like to do!! It's frustrating not only for me, but for anyone that has to deal with me, or anyone that goes through this themselves.

Anyways, I feel like maybe I might be on the ups. I hope I wake up tomorrow and life is back to normal and I can carry on with my normal routine. Feeling like this takes a lot of energy out of me. Energy I don't have to begin with. I might go completely in sane if this goes on any longer.

That's all for now, here's hoping!

Boring.

I'm not real sure what my deal is lately, or why I'm in this "funk", but I have a good idea of what may be causing it. Every year for the past...oh 3 or 4 years some big change has happened in my life. Some of those being good changes, and some of those being things I had to work through. This is about the time of year that all of those big things have happened. This year, nothing is new or exciting in my life. Everything is just the same ol, same ol. I'm sitting alone, again, thinking about all of the great things I would like to do but can't afford, thinking of all the friends that live far away that I wish I could visit but again, can't afford, wishing I was closer to my family in times like this so I wouldn't have to feel so bad about my life.

Three years ago I graduated from college. This was a huge step in my life. Something not many people thought I could do. It was a huge transition for me going from being in school full time and working some part time jobs here and there to having a full time internship to having my first "big girl" job.

 Two years ago I went through a terrible break up, flew to the east coast to visit a friend without telling anywhere where I was at (to this day not many people other than the one I was with, and Matthew know that I was there...sshh!) and I also met Matthew two years ago around this time. All of that happened within about 4-6 weeks of each other. Talk about ups and downs!

Last year I got a new job. A job I had been looking for since I graduated three years ago. Some (that listen to me complain) would probably not think I like my job. But I really do...it's what I went to school to do, it's what I have a passion for. It makes me feel good at the end of the day. That is, on days I don't want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs because I'm stressed out =) Either way, I can't believe that at the end of the month I will have been there for a year already. Time just goes too fast.

So here I am now waiting for something big to come along and happen in my life. I have no high hopes of anything, in fact my hopes are about as non-existent as they come anymore. This probably wouldn't bother me so much if new and great things weren't happening to everyone around me.

I don't know that I'm expecting anything to happen, but it would probably help liven my life up a bit. Anyways, that's my vent about how boring my life is./end rant.